Me: Wow, Michelle and the girls are so gorgeous. And so BLACK! Just the prospect of them living in the White House is so UNBELIEVABLY BAD-ASS. First thing Michelle needs to do? Yank out all’a Laura’s Texas country kitsch and burn that shit on the front lawn. Then name Lenny Kravitz Secretary of Bangin’ Decor. Then throw a National Open House Barbeque! Featuring Nelly!
“I’m goin down down baby, yo’ street in a Range Rover
Street sweeper baby, cocked ready to let it go
Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound
Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now…”
Mike: Yeah, Michelle’s way blacker than Barack. I don’t know why the media keeps making such a big deal over him being “the first African-American nominee.” I mean, he’s only half black. He’s a HALFrican-American!
Me: Why do these filmed mini-bios they air before each person speaks feel like infomercials?
Mike: Because they ARE infomercials. “Dissolve strings-of-adversities-overcome. . . Aaaaand, cue concerned pianos!”
(Sit riveted to speech while little girls use us as trampolines.)
Barack: “On November 4th, on November 4th, we must stand up and say, ‘Eight is enough!'”
Mike: “More Dick Van Patten! Less Dick Cheney!”
Me: Oh yeah, THAT’S why I love you…