Five-year-old: “Mama, can I help open Ellie’s medicine?” Me: “Sure baby, just hold it upright. Don’t let it spill.” Five-year-old: “Mama, I can’t open it. The cap just spins!” Me: “Oh, right. That’s because it’s a childproof cap. And you’re a small child. Someday, when you’re an adult, you’ll be handed many keys to adulthood,…
On balance
Me: So you know how last week we had that talk about how I need to take better care of myself, and part of that was taking at least one night off a week for myself? Mike: Jesus, do I ever. Me: Hard to forget, right? What with you just going to a little after-work…
Why breeding shouldn’t be permitted without a license, Part 38
It was a gorgeous day at Woodland Park Zoo, and by gorgeous I mean cool and overcast and threatening just enough rain today to make it feel like we had the whole damn place to ourselves, and that’s saying an awful lot on a summer day. Even better? As soon as we walked into the…
My own private Guadalcanal
This Friday, we leave for the annual Ortlieb family reunion, scheduled this year for the North Carolina coast. The extended Ortliebs are smart, funny, easy-going and damned good looking, and I expect nothing less than an amazing, relaxing week. Because after the past two weeks, I damn well deserve it. By default, I’m in charge…
What I really want for Mother’s Day
Three years ago this Sunday, I called Phyllis to wish her a Happy Momz Day. Also, to mention that she was going to be a grandma — “Oh, I didn’t tell you I was dating? Here, talk to my fetusdaddy” — and goodgod I was going to be someone’s MOTHER. Which meant that once a…