Me: So you know how last week we had that talk about how I need to take better care of myself, and part of that was taking at least one night off a week for myself?
Mike: Jesus, do I ever.
Me: Hard to forget, right? What with you just going to a little after-work happy hour with the co-workers, bowling a frame or two. And then you said you’d be home at 7 to help with Ellie’s preschool drawing project, but then you were 15 minutes late. But probably you were late because I asked you to stop and pick up my meds on the way home, which if you hadn’t’a done you’d’ve been all tied up the next day or two trying to peel me off the ceiling, so sorry I got pissed about you being late.
Mike: Apology accepted.
Me: But then I asked you to help with Ellie’s art project, and in hindsight I did sorta totally lose my shit about whether you were “effectively guiding the girls” by lettin’ em scribble all over the paper.
Mike: Babe. They’re TWO AND THREE. It’s Ellie’s first preschool art project, and the assignment was to color in their handprints, not INTRO TO FIGURE DRAWING. I’m just saying you’re maybe starting to. . . lose a little perspective.
Me: Right. Because I spend all my time with the girls or doing things related to them, and unlike you I don’t have outlets like “happy hour” and “lunch” and “adult conversations” to maintain relative sanity. So by the time you get home I’m like a well-shaken Coke bottle just dying for you to say, “DAMN, I’M THIRSTY!”
Mike: Exactly. I’ve told you plenty of times, I’ll give you every opportunity to have nights to yourself as often as you like — this isn’t a prison sentence, you know. All you need to do is set it up and give me a little notice.
Me: That’s awesome, because I think I’m starting to go a little crazy, and I definitely think I could do something on Wednesday.
Mike: Why, what’s going on Wednesday?
Me: Jillian and I are going out for drinks!
Me: (Rolls eyes and storms away.)