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My Sweetheart, the Jerk

If you’ve ever met Moses, you know two things about him.

First, that he is obnoxiously sweet and affectionate. That he’ll do anything for a laugh or a kiss or the faintest trace of attention. That he is an unrepentant ham who never met a crotch or a camera he didn’t attempt to make vigorous love to. I mean, srsly:

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Secondly, you know that this adorable, lovey meathead is also a dazzlingly reliable and unrepentant asshole.

Next week, the King of the AmStaffs turns 9; according to Wikipedia, pretty much the beginning of the end, — just, you know, give or take another nine years. Which means that in theory, he’s reached some kind of asshole half-life. Or — and I’m laying money on this outcome — that he’s actually only realized half his Full Asshole Potential.

To wit: on a recent twilight walk, I spied a mid-sized black mutt behind the fence of a house we’d have to pass. For any other dog walker, this is a non-event. With Moses, however, it’s a whole equation of leash-tensile-strength divided by how gruelingly you’ve worked your lats that week times how much the features of Dog X are going to make Moses’s head spin off and fly around the trees, gnarling branches and and coating the canopies with hate-flavored bile, and the dog was BLACK! and MID-SIZED! and maybe even MALE!! And in a moment your pleasant evening stroll is all “CrapcrapfuckshitgodDAMMIT!” and you’re reeling in the damn 30-foot lead like Roy Scheider on the good ship Orca because the shit is about to go down and you are ALL that stands between the maintenance of social order and complete canine anarchy and you must not fail OH GOD THIS IS THE END.

And then all of a sudden — wait, what’s this? That dog is… dancing? I mean, everyone here’s got a back-hair-and-tail erection, but the other dog is sort of running up and down the fence line and putting his head against the chain link and — hopping? And Moses is not trying to eat his face through the fence?

And then you realize it, that it’s finally happened, something the Book of Moses never prophecied: he’s being CHARMED! By another DOG!! That dog is bouncing and joyous and reveling in the whole ridiculous essence of dogness! And Moses is not only not homicidal, he’s perfectly… enchanted! Watching and studying and a mite confused, but plainly also DELIGHTED and AGREEABLE, and… awww, whoozagoodboy?!!!

And in that very instant, you also see it cross his batshit Moses mind: “Hey, most assholes only go up to ten. But this asshole’s taking it up to ELEVEN!”

And with that adorable mutt smiling and wagging and doing his most vigorous and inspired soft-shoe, Moses hoists his leg and PEES ALL OVER HIM.

So yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb and confirm we’ve still got years more asshole potential left to realize.

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