Five-year-old: “Mama, can I help open Ellie’s medicine?” Me: “Sure baby, just hold it upright. Don’t let it spill.” Five-year-old: “Mama, I can’t open it. The cap just spins!” Me: “Oh, right. That’s because it’s a childproof cap. And you’re a small child. Someday, when you’re an adult, you’ll be handed many keys to adulthood,…
Because it’s only forever
This week the ladies had class portraits taken at school — not individual portraits, which are taken at the beginning of the year, but a picture of the entire class with the teacher, and which are infinitely cooler than the ones taken when we were kids because a) they’re digital (meaning most of the kids…
Sweet, funny Valentines.
The lesser kid holidays are always the best: painting our Halloween faces, dyeing Easter eggs, toasting with Jameson minis for St. Pat’s. And on V-Day, it’s always something fun to wear, a toy, and something the Sugar Nazi in me is certain, certain will be the gateway treat to dental retardation. (This year, a candy…
And a very merry
It’s merely the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and we are, incomprehensibly, done: presents are wrapped, cornbread is baked in preparation for tomorrow’s oyster dressing, gifts have been shipped and (nick-of-time) received, charity undertaken. I can’t believe there’s time for the luxury to write, to cut out more cookies with small floured hands, to lay with…
Swine flu changed everything
When it comes to flu shots, as parents, Michael and I are THOSE PEOPLE: the ones who refuse to immunize their children. Now granted, we’re not THOSE PEOPLE, the whole hog, total anti-vaccination nutjobs who think an MMR is behind autism and back fat and low credit scores, or that the Hep B immunization is…
On balance
Me: So you know how last week we had that talk about how I need to take better care of myself, and part of that was taking at least one night off a week for myself? Mike: Jesus, do I ever. Me: Hard to forget, right? What with you just going to a little after-work…
Why breeding shouldn’t be permitted without a license, Part 38
It was a gorgeous day at Woodland Park Zoo, and by gorgeous I mean cool and overcast and threatening just enough rain today to make it feel like we had the whole damn place to ourselves, and that’s saying an awful lot on a summer day. Even better? As soon as we walked into the…
Crap that scares the crap out of me
So there I am today at Fred Meyer, perusing the kiddie sales clothes because I’m a cheap bitch frugal consumer, when I notice this among the girls socks and panties: Now let’s just for a moment forget the fact that this rack — fine, I went there — is standing precisely between the infant and…
Babies, balloons, BIRTHDAY CAAAAAAKE!
Inexplicably, an entire year has passed since Michael raced me to Swedish Medical Center for the delivery of Nola Faye Glisson Ortlieb. The final weeks of labor had been made excruciating by a pinched sciatic nerve — weeks in which even taking a few steps would draw stinging tears, and in which a waiting room…
My own private Guadalcanal
This Friday, we leave for the annual Ortlieb family reunion, scheduled this year for the North Carolina coast. The extended Ortliebs are smart, funny, easy-going and damned good looking, and I expect nothing less than an amazing, relaxing week. Because after the past two weeks, I damn well deserve it. By default, I’m in charge…