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And then he broke our hearts.

For the past few months, I’ve been cultivating a perfectly life-like fantasy world in which today was not drawing inexorably closer. Despite the fundamental and quantifiable natures of time, April 9 was not to arrive, certainly not soon and quite possibly never. It stood so far ahead on the calendar that even a mention of…

Consumption Junction

Screw the surge: if we’re serious about eradicating the insurgents, we will immediately decommission all U.S. military facilities in Iraq. And repurpose them into DAY CARE CENTERS. Because as the past two weeks of unintentional research has learned me, there is no more powerful biological weapon than a sick day-care kid. I’ve never visited one…

Does this fungus make me look easy?

For Christmas, Daron got me a head-smackingly freaky present: the gift of germinated spores. I don’t know exactly what about me specifically said “fungus” in the holiday season, only that for the next month or two I was nurturing that ugly blob of gestational medium like a baby goddam bird. Until, freaking FINALLY, it started…

The tyranny of DIY home improvement.

So this week I watched a show I categorically despise, for everything from its cloying premise to its shameless product placement to its twaterrific host — “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” To be precise, I TiVoed it. The reason: it featured a Kirkland family, one the local media had been covering since the megaphone-wielding ass appeared…