All those months of pregnancy give you a surplus of time to think about the kind of parent you’ll be, time you’ll instead squander on sleep, “Monk” reruns, and why your partner failed to grab hot mustard with the Chinese takeout, because he knows you always take hot mustard with your egg rolls, but no no, it’s fine, really it’s totally okay, you’re just TAKING THIS FETUS AND LEAVING FOREVER.
Instead, you’ll settle for The Kind of Parent You Definitely Won’t Be. You know, the parent that believes healthy self-esteem lies on the pageant circuit. Or that nothing says dinner like a four-quart Slurpee and a trough of Go-Go Taquitos. Or — horror of progressive parenting horrors — parents who let the TELEVISION do their BABYSITTING.
The cure for your smug know-it-all-itis? Realizing that pervasive stink is not coming from a diaper, and that the running time of one “Curious George” episode corresponds precisely with the duration of a quality shower.
Also, it will do wonders for your little monkey’s potassium intake.