As any new parent knows, a volume switch on a toy is your best friend, because musical/speaking childrens’ toys are categorically obnoxious and the sole variation in how desperately a toy makes you want to jam an ice pick in your brain is how SCREAMINGLY it wails the alphabet, or “Old MacDonald,” (and Christ, do…
All these years of toil and typing my fingers to bloody nubs, and FINALLY some solid data of my interwebs stardom!
Oh, Google Analytics, do you never cease to amuse? (PS: Seriously, Mike, all you had to do was come upstairs and ask.) (PPS: For the record, the only “naked” pics of me are a few topless sunbathing shots taken by assorted boyfriends on assorted foreign beaches. Then again, I’m drunk and stupid often enough that…
Why breeding shouldn’t be permitted without a license, Part 38
It was a gorgeous day at Woodland Park Zoo, and by gorgeous I mean cool and overcast and threatening just enough rain today to make it feel like we had the whole damn place to ourselves, and that’s saying an awful lot on a summer day. Even better? As soon as we walked into the…
About that little blip where I was gone for six months.
So, erm, YEAH. Apparently you noticed (hi, Mom!). And maybe even punished me (sorry, BlogHer ads team!). And I swear I wasn’t even blackout drunk for most of the entirety of a single, solitary day of it. In fact, during a single month of it, I accomplished an Amazing Goddamned Thing: I wrote a 52,500-word…
I totally would’ve crashed this wedding
A million years ago when I started this half-assed blog, my friend Jillian told me about her friend Becky, who not only liked this lipsticked porker but actually subscribed. “She’s married, and she lives in Portland, and she doesn’t have kids but says if she did, she’d raise them with the exact kind of mindset…