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Get your feet wet

Dear Alanis Morissette

I know you took a lot of crap over “Isn’t it Ironic,” crap you altogether deserved what with the irony of English teachers quoting your lyrics, and those were lyrics that revealed you to be COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE DEFINITION OF IRONY. But on the unexpected chance you haven’t since cracked an English Grammar for…

On being an anatomical freak

To the naked eye, I look fairly pulled together. Some have even said “attractive,” though those people have never seen me when I realize TiVo’s eaten an episode of “Bridezillas.” And the liquor store is closed. On the INSIDE, however, there’s a whole lotta weird shit going on, courtesy of my esteemed forebears, whom I’m…

Still life with sweat

For fuck’s sake, summer has FINALLY arrived in Seattle in the form of 90-degree days and wading pools and SPF Infinity. The best sign? It’s arrived in the front yard: Grow, pretty pears! (But keep a low profile, lest the squirrels discover you and force me to haul out the shotgun. . .)

Papa rocks

Today is my Dad’s 60th birthday. Dad’s an artist. His preferred medium is acrylic on canvas, though he’s never so creative as when he’s splashing witty barbs at jerks and boobs. You want my Dad’s earnest critisicm? Sorry, that’s exclusively reserved for me, his daughter, the Worst Mommy in the World. Since Eliot’s first breath,…

A thousand words of YAYYY!!!

I don’t know what’s better — the news that researchers found an enormous population of western lowland gorillas in Congo previously believed to have been critically endangered, or this accompanying New York Times photo: I mean, how ridiculously awesome is that baby gorilla? She’s all, “That’s right, bitches, we’re back! And check these chest-thump skillz!”…