Baby, you’re SMOKIN’!

by Tracy on May 26, 2010

You ever have those moments when you question whether despite the hip-high stack of parenting books you’ve read, or all the research into products, or all the money you dump into preschool, or all the organic foods you buy, or all the countless thousands of hours of thoughtful nurturing and caregiving, you’re STILL fucking up your two-year-old?

Yes? Well, allow me to allay some of THAT shit for you right now:


EMBED-Ardi Rizal – The real SMOKING BABY !! – Watch more free videos

That precious little dude is Ardi Rizal, a two-year-old Sumatran baby who smokes about 40 cigarettes a day. It seems the Sumatran government offered to buy his family a car (a car, jail time — tomato/tomahto!) if they got little Ardi to quit, but Ardi gets pretty damned angry without his smokes, so his folks have declined. Also, he looks great! “He looks pretty healthy to me. I don’t see the problem,” his father said. And come on, what’s cuter than a SMOKING BABY??!!

(Frankly, I’m impressed. Nola can barely hold a crayon straight and that kid’s flickin’ ashes like a hardened pro. I bet just out of frame is a half-empty tumbler of rye and a kindergartener waiting to play doctor, Ardi is THAT BADASS. Hell, *I* wanna party with that baby.)

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Her limerick was filthier

by Tracy on April 8, 2010

So in a moment alone together the other night, the four-year-old pipes up with a fragment of her latest mental gymnastics:

“Mama! ‘Bell’ rhymes with ‘HELL’!!”

Precious, am I right?! I mean, that’s one adorable plate-load of Sugar/Spice/Nice© we’ve got right there! (And I wonder why none of the other preschool Mommies will talk to me. . .)

Fortunately, I’ve read All The Right Literature, and I know precisely how to handle this exact parenting bugaboo.

First, I extend the withering glare of disapproving authority. Which, for whatever reason, comes out looking a lot like this:

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[click to continue…]

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White-trash hybrid

April 5, 2010

Across the street from Eliot’s preschool is an auto repair shop, and every day I see this exceptional piece of American engineering parked out front:

Yeah, I know: BITCHIN’!! But why do I really care? Because if you look closely, you’ll realize it’s an El Camino. . . with the front end of a Camaro.
It’s. . [...]

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When a bumper sticker isn’t enough

March 9, 2010

So I was driving around today and happened to stop at a red light behind this fella, at the corner of Ballard and Forehead/Steering Wheel.

That’s one big-ass truck, but the devil is always is in the details, n’est pas?

Now it’s all perfectly well and good to have your little “personal political convictions,” but I think [...]

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Holy wooden anniversary

January 2, 2010

As of last Saturday, Michael and I turned the humongous clock hands to FIVE YEARS OF TOGETHERNESS. Apparently, the traditional gift for a five-year anniversary is “wood”; I was gonna give him a wooden ship in a bottle to symbolize our relationship’s stultifying entrapment and corking of his freedom, but then I figured he’d just [...]

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Jingle Hell

December 22, 2009

Later this week, Michael and I will have our five-year anniversary, and a week after that, Eliot will turn four. (Yeah, go ahead and do the fucking math, Smugley. We were in love, that socially acceptable form of insanity.)
So what that means is that after several years of catastrophic missteps, this year we have officially [...]

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Please sir, may I have some more?

November 23, 2009

So last weekend, I was at a baby shower where one of the grandfathers-to-be
read my palms. This wasn’t some kind of baby-shower game — although Tom was really good and also really earthy. I imagine if it were a baby-shower game and
we’d all gotten a lot more sauced up on the delicious rum punch, we [...]

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Swine flu changed everything

November 12, 2009

When it comes to flu shots, as parents, Michael and I are THOSE PEOPLE: the ones who refuse to immunize their children.
Now granted, we’re not THOSE PEOPLE, the whole hog, total anti-vaccination nutjobs who think an MMR is behind autism and back fat and low credit scores, or that the Hep B immunization is a [...]

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Getting an early start on Christmas

October 28, 2009

So when I came across these today on the interwebs, I didn’t see a matricidal
Sally Draper at an AA meeting in 1977, I saw THE MOTHER OF ALL LAMINATED PLACEMATS:

Merry Christmas, girls! Yeahyeah, I know they’re three-and-a-half and two, but expert bartending is like being multilingual — best started in Pull-Ups. Besides, just last night, [...]

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If you touch a hair on her head. . .

October 24, 2009

With Eliot, I had few sentimental attachments to her babyhood — it was as though infancy and each stage after was something to be endured and raced through on the way to the next (presumably easier) stage. Baby clothes and toys were packed away, bottles were sanitized and stowed in boxes, the Co-Sleeper folded into [...]

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